Large Orange Snowflake Moves to D.C.

(Friday, 5/19/17) A large orange snowflake that had previously called Manhattan its home has apparently made a recent move to the Washington, D.C., area, raising concerns among those who care strongly about the federal government’s ability to function effectively on behalf of citizens, and to guard public safety. Already, the presence of this huge tinted crystal has interrupted operations at the EPA and the Department of Education, among others. Some have suggested that the enormous citrus-shaded chip has filled the nearby air with an impenetrable fog, and in so doing, has greatly deepened the city’s swamp.

The massive colored bit of frozen vapor has, in the past, also made regular appearances gliding along a Florida golf course, and even though it seems to now reside in the District of Colombia, the FL sightings continue, as often as before, if not more so. While some might question the likelihood of the same bit drifting around both scenes, no two snowflakes are alike, and this one has some strong identifying characteristics that leave no doubt, according to observers. 

A scientist familiar with Orangino explained that its size and shade stem from a thick layer of dark daddy-bucks that shield it from the warmth which melts smaller flakes, giving it the ability to float along in Florida, as well as to hang around during the warmer months in NYC and D.C. He cautions, however, that the big orange flake reacts very strongly to close examination, heated questioning and criticism, to such a degree that the presence of too much negativity applied at any one moment could cause an uncontrollable meltdown, with unpredictable, and possibly catastrophic, consequences. 

“It could leave behind a massive hole in the ground, and perhaps an even more colossal blast zone. When a big one like this goes off, you never know what it could bring down with it.”

So what would be the best way to ensure that the big orange snowflake doesn’t do any major damage? Some have suggested taking a closer look at the path it followed from Manhattan to D.C., in a search for clues as to its unravelling. In the meantime, anyone coming in contact with Orangino should tread lightly, because otherwise, things might come to a head, and there could be hell toupee.

Deconstructing the Road Administrative State

(Friday, 4/20/17) Today the Trump administration announced its new plan to, as Press Secretary Sean Spicer explained, “deconstruct the road administrative state” by removing two highway signs for each new one put in place, with a similar tactic applied to traffic lights and other movement restrictions. According to the official policy statement, “Traffic laws are low impact, unable to demonstrate strong performance outcomes. All of these signs, signals and regulations haven’t put an end to traffic deaths — in fact, the last 2 years have been the deadliest ones ever on the highway! Putting more restrictions on driving clearly hasn’t worked, so we have to go a different way! We’re destroying these horrible road regulations that have been placed on your heads.”

This proposal gives structure to the complaints Trump expressed during the campaign when he criticized traffical correctness, saying, “For too long, Americans have been needlessly stuck in gridlock, and the problem is that today nobody wants to hit anyone any more. Back in the good old days, in some places in this country there were no speed limits at all! Now, as soon as you pull out of your driveway you’ll see a traffic sign! Together, we can change that — let’s make America race again!” According to his press secretary, the President believes that with fewer road laws in place, citizens will move about more freely, and they don’t need their government to tell them how fast they can or can’t go on the highway, because they’re smart enough to figure that out for themselves. 

In conjunction with this announcement, Speaker Ryan’s office issued a corroborating declaration: “Having all of these unnecessary traffic laws lulls able-minded people into complacency on the road, as they come to depend on the government for highway guidance, draining them of their will and incentive to make the most of their driving — it’s demeaning!”

When asked if this program might lead to more traffic-related injuries, Secretary Spicer answered that President Trump believes Americans can and will take responsibility for their driving, pulling themselves up by the running boards, and that this will improve their motoring fiber. The press secretary issued a final communication to close the conference: “The President believes Americans know when to shift into reverse, when to put on the brakes, and when to floor it, so the government doesn’t need to get in their way, slow them down, hold them back, send them on a detour or in any way keep them from getting to where they want to go!”