Putin’s Plan to Poison America’s Water

The Mueller probe into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia has just uncovered an entirely different plot — evidence now shows that back in the late 1990s, while planning to take power in Russia, Putin decided that the quickest and most effective way to bring down the United States would be to poison the country’s water supply. Given his background in the oil business, he already understood that the fastest and easiest way to contaminate groundwater would be from drilling, and the more extreme the method, the more extreme the resulting pollution would be. Vlad persuaded his industry contacts to develop an intense extraction approach that could squeeze oil and gas from previously-inaccessible sources, making it irresistible to Exxon and Co.

In addition to poisoning groundwater, the new procedure would only have to satisfy two other requirements for Putin: 1. It would have to use lots of water, thereby hastening the process of poisoning the entire U.S. water supply; and 2. It would have to create earthquakes, because that way, it would literally shake the American public, just as the poisoned tap water was shaking their brains. Of course, if it made people light their faucets on fire, so much the better!

Once Vladimir’s crew had created the modern fracking technique, his spies passed the information along to American connections, knowing that the greedy U.S. oil and gas types would jump on it, with the exact same level of concern over American water systems that they had shown previously — ZERO! The rise of the Bush/Cheney administration gave his plan the big green light, as Putin got his friend Dick to create the Halliburton loophole that legalized water poisoning.

Meanwhile, in Moscow, as the leader of a petrochemical nation, Mr. P feigned dismay at rising U.S. oil and gas production figures, while inwardly chuckling at his spectacular success. He was, however, taken by surprise as grassroots opposition arose spontaneously in the U.S. a couple of years after widespread fracking began, particularly since he doesn’t allow that kind of dissent in his own country, but within a few months, the former KGB operative developed a strategy to silence protestors. His moles quickly passed the word along, and soon enough, U.S. intelligence agencies began reporting that anti-fracking and anti-pipeline activists were working for, and being funded by, …PUTIN! The scary name SOROS also made an appearance now and then in the media, with suggestions about anti-American collusion with Russia.

Hillary Clinton happily parroted Vlad’s conspiracy story, while also promoting fracking around the globe, and Putin got really excited, thinking that in the end, his own country might be the only one with drinkable water, at which point he could truly rule the world. Other countries figured out, though, one by one, that they didn’t want to poison themselves, but as November of 2016 approached, Putin’s smile grew bigger while watching an election between two candidates who both had already bought into his game. He laughed even louder after the election when he heard the Clinton campaign blame him for their loss, because he knew Hillary would have tried to frack up the U.S. just as badly as Trump is trying to do, if not more so.

Mr. Mueller declines to say publicly whether or not this latest discovery might lead to any indictments, but inside sources claim that Robert has told them privately he thinks Putin should go frack himself!

Weekly Rounddump, 11/12/17-11/18/17

A lot happened in the week before Thanksgiving this year, and perhaps you might have missed a thing or two.

On Sunday WorldNet Daily posted a brief correction to a recent assertion, admitting that consuming soy doesn’t actually make someone turn gay — it makes them turn latino, which the organization now confesses should have been obvious, since soy is the Spanish word for I am.

On Monday, the OK State Legislature, having learned that Steve Jobs was the biological son of a Syrian Muslim, passed a law whereby state police will now inspect any and all iPhones coming into the state for the presence of Sharia Law.

On Tuesday, TX governor Abbott signed a new executive order expanding those subject to the prohibition against Driving, or Appearing in Public, While Black to add the phrase or Brown to the title, and to include people of Hispanic and Arabic descent as among those possibly subject to arrest or fines for hiding behind unlawful skin tones.

On Wednesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a nationwide manhunt for a very particular illegal alien who wasn’t born in the U.S., who is believed to have secured a mass media job without a visa, who reportedly hides his true identity, and who has been taking away superhero work from American heroes. The suspect wears a blue outfit with a red cape, possibly in an attempt at political correctness that appeals to both sides, and some bystanders call the man with the big S on his chest Superman.

On Thursday, AL Senate candidate and former judge Roy Moore held a press conference during which he outlined the plot against him that he believes was hatched by women who have recently accused him of sexual abuse. According to Moore, these teenage temptresses, as he called them, conspired together to each entice him, on separate occasions, into making sexual advances, and they did so to try to end his political career in a very shady way. “They made me do it,” said Moore, “and the reason they made me do it, and then resisted me, pretending to be offended by my swashbuckling moves, is because they wanted to make me turn gay!”

On Friday, James O’Keefe spoke with reporters about his new movie Planned Parenthood Eats Babies that purportedly shows organization employees feasting on cooked fetuses. James asserted that a baked fetus looks, and tastes, like chicken, so viewers need to recognize the forked meat for what it actually is, and not what it appears to be on screen. One PP member who appears in the film claims that his statement “I don’t eat fetuses!” was edited by removing the word don’t, but when asked, Mr. O’Keefe declined to comment.

On Saturday, an unidentified White House source leaked to the press details about an incident that occurred when a very frustrated Trump, during a session with his hair specialist, at one point yelled out, “Nobody knew that haircare could be so complicated!!!”

Confessions of an Illegal Hillary Voter

I initially crossed the Rio Grande as part of Mexico’s Illegal Eagle program, after having easily satisfied the murder/rape qualification requirement. I had volunteered for the Taco Truck Street Corner Takeover Campaign, which the Mexican government patterned after the successful Italian operation (which is the real pizzagate that the Alex Jones story was concocted to cover up) wherein the southern European WOPs (short for With-Out Papers) achieved complete dominance of the North American restaurant business, so that in a few short decades, the greaseballs succeeded in making pizza and spaghetti into American household words.

Then one night in August of 2016, after spending 14 hours picking apples for $20, and then attending an enticing spices meeting with fellow TTSCTC agents, I spotted a poster that offered me an automatic green card — all I’d have to do to get it would be to vote for Hillary Clinton. Within minutes, I dialed 1-800-SOROSME to sign up.

At the organizational meeting with my 1,000 fellow illegal voters, we all watched an instructional video by Mr. George, who described the process, explaining that we need not worry about possible fines or imprisonment because he had paid off anyone and everyone who could impose such penalties, and he also mentioned that our gathering was one of more than 3,000. Following the video, each of us met briefly with the precinct poll watchers from each party who were being paid quite well by Mr. Soros to ignore our illegal status and allow us to cast votes. For those who wonder why Republican and Conservative Party poll watchers would allow someone to vote illegally for a Democratic Party candidate, remember that most Republicans and Conservatives will do almost anything for money, and each one got many thousands of dollars from Mr. George for basically doing nothing.

Mr. Soros assured us that once we received our automatic citizenship, we would be completely free to steal American jobs from white workers, just as long as those jobs paid less than half of the minimum wage, and many of us couldn’t wait to do so! On the morning of November 9, 2016, we all woke up disappointed by the results, but with an ally like Mr. George who has a hatred of America that matches ours, we all feel it was worth the effort, especially since Mr. Soros also paid each of us $1,000. While Hillary Clinton did not get the chance to totally destroy the U.S., which we Illegal Eagles would gladly have assisted in doing, Mr. Trump actually seems to be succeeding at this task much better than any of us could have hoped.

The Protocols of the Elders of Latino

(translated from the original Spanish version)

We, the Elders of Latino, do hereby ordain and authorize this document of our protocols.

Summary

We have created this plan for the purpose of tricking the American white Christian population into committing cultural suicide through demographic transformation. The implementation of the strategy will require a multi-generational commitment. We shall encourage large numbers of our community to surge across the northern border of Mexico, in whatever way circumstances will allow, and then, once inside the U.S., to procreate as soon as possible. The anchor babies thereby created will make it more difficult for the U.S. government to remove our latino agents, since the resulting rug rats will automatically become American citizens. We will send as many murderers and rapists as feasible, and will disguise some of them as helpless young children fleeing oppression, which might fool an Obama, though maybe not a Trump.

Inside the country, our operatives will then endeavor to maintain a low profile by hiding in extremely-low-paying jobs, such as migrant farm work, which will largely keep them out of the white community’s view. As the generations labor, a handful of our moles will seek to transform public opinion through connections with our Jewish friends who control the press, and who share our long-term goal. Our spies will encourage abortion among whites, and will urge them to have less children (or none at all), to abandon their Christian faith, to become LGBT, to embrace diversity, and to intermarry with any other culture that could dilute their white blood. Further, our bunch will demand Spanish-language versions of governmental signs and official documents, so as to increase the tax burden on non-latinos, create division among the majority, and foster a friendlier atmosphere for hispanic expression. In addition, our scouts will make generous use of the Communist doctrine to increase wealth redistribution away from the European-heritage populace and into the hands of our people. Most importantly, our gang will encourage any and all government legislation that could be used to take away white people’s guns, in order to disarm as many as possible by the time we’re ready to strike.

While our fifth column will pretend to follow the Catholic religion, they will cleverly raise doubts among white believers through scientific concoctions such as the theory of evolution. Over the decades, they will, step-by-step, fabricate anti-fossil-fuel propaganda around an idea of global warming, for the purpose of getting white culture to abandon the main source of its economic prosperity.

Meanwhile, our rank and file hidden laborers will refuse to pay any taxes whatsoever, to any U.S. local, state or federal entity, but will endeavor to make excessive use of available social services, and most particularly healthcare, since that segment will incur the largest cost expenditures to American society. Our foot soldiers will traffic illegal drugs while plundering pharmaceuticals as well, earmarking all gains for the cause.

If we succeed in executing these tactics, within 4 or 5 generations, hispanics will outnumber ethnic whites in the U.S., and once we have obtained an unbeatable majority, we can rise up en masse, overwhelm white culture, destroy all of its constructions, and enslave the light-skinned survivors! Venceremos!

Note: This piece, and my other recent blogs here, originally appeared in my monthly newsletter, and you can sign up for that email missive at daveelder.comhttp://daveelder.com/.

The Latest Episode of Whitest House Apprentice

In the opening scene, Donald hires a new WH Communications Director because he believes the man’s name is Scare-‘Em-Muchly, which is what he expects a communications director to do, but when he hears Anthony’s statement that “the fish rots from the head” it sounds to him like a critique of his hair style, so he brings down the hammer on Scaramucci, adding that he wants the man’s successor to start with a clean slave. He also decides to fire Mr. Priebus because his chief of staff doesn’t behave as Rancidly as Donald had expected him to do, and DJT didn’t like it when Reince said he had to take a leak. In fact, that remark makes Trump so angry that he declares “it’s time to kill all of the leakers” and Anthony gets that statement out to the press before his fish one, but in doing so partly seals his own fate, because Donald feels Scare-‘Em is stealing his lines rather than sticking to the script.

Following the commercial break promoting a new brand of $10,000 Trump glasses that can make all Mexicans look alike, and that can be adjusted to work on black people, Muslims, and LGBT folks as well, Donald announces his hiring of a science advisor who questions the purported scientific consensus about the earth revolving around the sun. DJT then voices his official statement: “What do your eyes tell you? The sun comes up in the east, and sets in the west, doesn’t it! When all these people who claim to be scientists tell you the earth is the one going around the sun, you don’t have to simply accept what they say. This is just another Chinese hoax made up so that we’ll let more of them come into our country and take over our science classrooms!” After his statement, someone in the room asks if he believes the world is flat, and he answers that when a New York Times writer can put out a book with that title, maybe the rest of us should start looking into that possibility.

Jared then makes a brief appearance, mentioning that the Russian laundromat is working well, to which Donald replies that he’s not in any hurry to get cleaned up. A bit later, Kellyanne tries to pull another Con-way by telling DJT that firing Mike would get too ex-Pence-ive and firing Tom could get very Price-y. Just as Donald leaves the room, a reporter asks her whether the President has any concerns about environmental threats to bees, and she answers that Trump does not intend to waste his time on anything less than A-listers, so therefore, “Bs don’t count.” The final scene comes when David and Stephen walk into the office, and Donald enters by another door. He looks right at Stephen and says, “Policy advisor? We don’t need a Miller. Who even uses mills anymore? You’re fired!” He then turns to David and says, “And we don’t need anyone else who’s Bossie working for us, because I’m da boss! You’re fired!” The ending fades to a commercial spot advertising a special price of $10 million per ton for the new Trump “Made in America” sticker, which is manufactured in China.

The Real Reason for Firing Comey

(Note: I would expect that most blog readers will detect the Onion flavor of the following piece, but for the record, I will admit that perhaps not everything here is exactly true, though I also couldn't say that it isn't true.)

Breaking news from the But But But report: according to our exclusive source, we can now reveal that Trump’s real reason for firing Comey stems from his conclusion that James chose a special last name as a personal insult to him, and in addition, he believes JC launched an investigation into the history of his hairdo. The President is convinced that the former FBI director spells his last name C-o-m-b-i-e and that he picked that moniker as a direct insult to Donald’s very unique hair styling. From the beginning of their working association, Trump had planned to fire Comey due to his belief that James was insulting him through choice of name, and he decided that the moment to do so had arrived when JC asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer the question?” Trump heard that as “Orange You going to dance the western?” This further angered Donald, who felt an additional insult in Orange You and immediately shouted “I’m not dancing — you’re fired!” He then momentarily hesitated, waiting for a director to yell “Cut!”

Our exclusive source has revealed a few other inside tidbits from the Trump Whitest House, including the fact that DJT chose his Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin not out of respect for any financial competence, but because he thought Steve spells his last name as M-u-n-c-h-i-n’ and Donald figured they would therefore have a good time sharing meals together in the oval office. Trump also picked Rick Perry to lead the Department of Low Energy (DoLE) after the former TX governor agreed to not challenge him in 2020, and Donald awarded that particular position as a returned favor, so that if and when Perry does decide to run for president again, he will have less trouble remembering the names of departments he wants to eliminate. Trump selected Steve Bannon as chief strategist because he thought SB spelled his last name B-a-n-n-i-n’ and he took that as a sign that Steve would naturally know how to assist him in bannin’ all the scary people that he fears.

As for Trump’s friendliness with Putin, that seems to stem largely from his belief that Vlad will, by virtue of his name, Put-in a lot, meaning he’s expected to make generous financial contributions to Trump businesses. Donald’s disdain for NATO evidently comes from his notion that the acronym stands for Not A Trustworthy Organization and DJT finds it insulting that most of the other G20 reps seem to converse with each other in some kind of code that he can’t understand, as if they’re speaking a different language. Trump has reportedly yelled “Speak English!” on more than one occasion, to be met with puzzled stares. He may have even shouted “You’re fired!” at least once, generating exactly the same reaction.

Meanwhile, Trump may be considering axing his Secretary of Education because when people say her name, he hears it as Betsy DaBoss and he’s getting tired of having to say “She’s not da boss — I am!” However, he has also privately expressed pleasure to his inner circle every time someone mentions the name of his SCOTUS appointee, because he hears that name as Kneel Goresucks.

Alex Jones Warning About Internet Al Gore Rhythms (from InfoWarps)

(Note: While most readers will probably recognize the Onion flavor of this article, to be totally clear, Mr. Jones did not actually say any of the following quotes.)

(Thursday, 3/16/17) Today Alex Jones issued a dire warning to his listeners: “Remember when Al Gore claimed that he never said he invented the internet? Well, the inconvenient truth is that he lied — he did invent the internet! And why did he invent it? He did it so he could get control of your mind, my mind, and everyone else’s mind, not just here in America, but all over the world! And how is he controlling everyone’s mind? With Al Gore rhythms! All of his big friends on the web, from Google to Amazon to Yahoo, have been telling us for years that they each have their own special Al Gore rhythm! They’re not trying to hide this fact — they’re boasting about it! Is anyone paying attention? And what are these Al Gore rhythms doing to our minds? Remember Pavlov’s dogs? The more Al Gore infects our minds with his rhythms, the more likely it is that we’ll follow his orders, no matter what he tells us to do!”

“And what is Al Gore going to tell us to do? This Satanist already has his government toadies controlling the weather, trying to get you to believe in his climate-change global warming hoax! Meanwhile, his big government gang will hit you with storms that might blow your house down! He wants you to be so confused that you’ll believe in Sandy Hook and all these other fake massacres, and then he’ll send his CIA agent friend Glenn Beck to come and get your guns. Beck will tell you he’s going to keep them for you, hiding them from the government, and because it’s Glenn, you might believe him! Don’t fall for it! Glenn used to pretend to be one of us, and to be against big government, but now we know it was all a scam — he’s working for Big Government!”

“How do you know if those Al Gore rhythms have gotten into your mind? I’ve already warned you that Cheese Pizza is Hillary code for Child Pornography, so if you suddenly start asking yourself if Pizzagate is real, LOOK OUT! When those government people come to your door to get your kid, and they say it’s a field trip, the children are going to have fun, and they’re going to eat PIZZA, remember what I said — if you let your kid go, you’ll be sorry! Hillary will be laughing at you over your child’s lifeless body, after she’s made her money prostituting your own flesh and blood! That’s what those Al Gore rhythms will do to you! Netflix, eBay, Facebook — they’re all now controlling your mind, with their own special Al Gore rhythms, and they’re bragging about it! They won’t stop, even if they get you to believe that Gore got more votes in 2000 than George W. Bush!”

Final note: this article comes from the “news dump” in my 3/17 monthly newsletter, and if you think you’d like to read these pieces when I make them available, you can sign up for my monthly missive at daveelder.com.